Frankly...

I'm very tired today. Too tired to be creative or come up with pretty words. So I'm going to cut right to the chase.

I'm scared.

Thursday afternoon was pretty much like any other day at my house. Until my husband woke up at 4pm and confessed to me that he had some chest pain, and that it had been going on for about a week. But that the previous night at work he had a pretty terrible "episode" which lasted a few minutes and scared both him and the co-worker who was there at the time. The only reason he told me anything at all was that it had gotten to the point where he felt he needed to see a doctor about it and he asked me to call and make an appointment.

Can someone explain to me why men do these things??? Why they think it's perfectly ok to keep their health problems to themselves until it reaches a severe magnitude???

Sorry, the whole "I didn't want to worry you, Honey." just doesn't work for me.

Instead of making him an appointment I questioned him, and then sent him to the ER. I had dinner in the oven and no hope of child care until 7:30pm so it was the best I could do. Honestly, I thought it would probably turn out to be nothing. Maybe it was just a panic attack or heartburn or something really simple. He's only 42. It can't be his heart. Not yet.

Around 7pm he called me to say that he was still in the ER. That they were getting ready to transfer him to his own room because they were going to keep him overnight for observation. He sounded calm, like it was no big deal. And then he casually stated that they thought it might have been a blood clot or a minor heart attack.

!!!

So although my neighbor knew what was going on from the start and had generously offered to babysit when she got home from work, I felt like I needed to call in the troops for reinforcement (the troops being my parents). They threw some overnight stuff together and hurried over. All while I ran around throwing a bag together for myself. Once they got here I piled in the car and headed to be with my man.

When I got there he was still in the ER, all hooked up to wires and tubes. He looked ok though, lethargic from the drugs they gave him, but otherwise his normal self. Just being there calmed me.

There really isn't much else exciting to share. We spent a very restless night at the hospital, and the next day they couldn't figure out what was wrong so they sent him home with a no-salt diet and a number for a cardiologist. They did notice an "electrical blockage" for one of his arteries on an EKG, but other than that there was nothing outstanding.

So we're home now. And he's back to not telling me if he's not feeling well.

He's frustrated because they couldn't find what was wrong. He's afraid that it will just be like his shoulder. That it will go on and on with no diagnosis and no answers to the point that he feels people don't believe his pain.

Me? I'm just afraid of loosing him. I knew when I married a man 10 years my senior that it was likely to happen someday, but I'm certainly not ready yet. Although, when is anyone ready for such an event? But I'm REALLY not ready now. I need him. And our girls will need him for at least 20 more years. So although his dad died from a heart attack at 62, that's still 20 years from now. This whole "it's just a little chest pain" scares the living crap outta me. And the fact that he doesn't share how he's feeling scares me even more. I hate it. It pisses me off. It makes me wanna scream at him, except I'm sure that won't make things better in any way.

Hubs: I don't see why you're so worried. If I die you'll instantly become a wealthy woman!

Me: I never wanted to be a wealthy woman. I only wanted you.

Bring All Your Troubles

I woke up with this song stuck in my head this morning, so I thought I'd share it.

Enjoy!

New Year's Recap

My New Year's Resolution last year was to post something on this blog every single day. And I kept up with that goal for a goodish bit, and then I got lazy and busy and it somewhat fell to the wayside. But I'm ok with that. I did my best (sorta). And in the end I think I started to share more from my heart. More quality, less quantity. I also think I've found a better balance between my computer time and the rest of my life, which has made a positive difference.

I won't be so foolish to make such a demanding resolution this year. At this point I think "blog when possible" is about as good as I can do.

But without further adieu I'd like to share some of my top posts from this past year. My blogging friend Helene gave me the idea on her New Year's post. (And if you like to laugh, you should really check it out!!!)

January

I started off with a bang and decided to share our birth story. I shared the recipe for my signature dish: Paprika Chicken. You know, back when I had time to take pictures of my cooking exploits. I was able to hypothesize about twin language development. And I ranted about the Octomom. Obviously I had too much time on my hands!

February

In February I was running out of things to write about. So I decided to take on a new resolution to clean out my spice cabinet that involved sharing recipes once a week. And Mystery Spice Monday was born! Again, obviously too much time on my hands! I also wrote about The Boys, and Our Love Story, along with a major case of Spring Fever and My New Babies.

March

I lamented about the things Hubs buys at Costco. I shared a genius of a website that helps you find recipes based on what you have on hand. And I briefly mentioned the occasion that lead to Hub's shoulder injury, not realizing how serious it would be and how it would dramatically affect the rest of our year. I also shared a story about an eventful evening at our house. Plus a highly recommended roast recipe!

April

We all got a major case of the stomach flu, but I learned a lot. We also found a new church, which has been a major blessing, and I expressed how I learned to remember that I was beautiful. I shared a moving Easter video, and also my cute but flawed cake pops, along with our escape to the Tulip Farm.

May

This was the month when things started to look grim, but in the comments on this post Annie's Granny gave me some much needed advice. I shared an Artichoke Chicken recipe that would knock anyone's socks off (assuming they like artichokes). I was also the featured blogger on Multiples...And More!, which also happened to coincide with The National Day of Prayer. I also started to get pretty excited about my garden, and I posted about it here, and here. I also wrote about the twins in their Native Habitat.

June

This is the month when I cut back dramatically on my blogging. We went on vacation, and it was fun but crazy and I failed to write about it. I did manage to write about a Spinach Pesto Pasta Salad that I made for Father's Day, a gardening post, and something about what it means to be a Good Neighbor.

July

I participated in a Hometown Swap and received an AWESOME gift from Jenna! I updated everyone on the girls and their antics. I wrote a note to Ziva. I also shared about how my life had become a Pressure Cooker, and then reassured everyone the next day that I was doing better. In the midst of the craziness I broke my toe, almost forgot about that one!

August

I braved the grocery store alone, with twins in tow. Then I gave a full update of all the world of hurt we were in and why I hadn't been blogging much (and by much I mean, at all). But at least I had one minor victory.

September

Sometimes a change of plans can be for the best, an excellent lesson to learn! We also learned that our live was good despite our circumstances. I finally got around to posting our new family photo, taken in June. And I realized my limitations: that I couldn't post recipes w/ pictures once a week. But I somehow still managed to squeeze out a post about pickle making.

October

I talked about what a film crew would capture if they happened to be following us around one day. I got sappy and shared an old poem that I love. My dad turned 70! I also wrote about our Christmas Gift Giving Plans, and finally got around to posting pictures of our getaway back in August.

November

I posted a Way Back Whendsday about my girls and their Tandem Play. A review of E-Mealz, my new saving grace. A hilarious look back at my dating life. And what November would be complete without of list of Things I'm Thankful For?

December

Hm, apparently I only posted 3 things last month. GO FIGURE!! But I think they're all good and shareworthy so here they are: Holiday Treats Worth Giving, My Theory of What's Happening in Our World, and Christmas Deconstructed.

So that's it! My Year. Honestly, I'm really glad it's over and behind us.