For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows grace and favor and glory - honor, splendor and heavenly bliss! No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly.

Psalms 84:11

Sunday, January 10, 2010


I'm very tired today. Too tired to be creative or come up with pretty words. So I'm going to cut right to the chase.

I'm scared.

Thursday afternoon was pretty much like any other day at my house. Until my husband woke up at 4pm and confessed to me that he had some chest pain, and that it had been going on for about a week. But that the previous night at work he had a pretty terrible "episode" which lasted a few minutes and scared both him and the co-worker who was there at the time. The only reason he told me anything at all was that it had gotten to the point where he felt he needed to see a doctor about it and he asked me to call and make an appointment.

Can someone explain to me why men do these things??? Why they think it's perfectly ok to keep their health problems to themselves until it reaches a severe magnitude???

Sorry, the whole "I didn't want to worry you, Honey." just doesn't work for me.

Instead of making him an appointment I questioned him, and then sent him to the ER. I had dinner in the oven and no hope of child care until 7:30pm so it was the best I could do. Honestly, I thought it would probably turn out to be nothing. Maybe it was just a panic attack or heartburn or something really simple. He's only 42. It can't be his heart. Not yet.

Around 7pm he called me to say that he was still in the ER. That they were getting ready to transfer him to his own room because they were going to keep him overnight for observation. He sounded calm, like it was no big deal. And then he casually stated that they thought it might have been a blood clot or a minor heart attack.


So although my neighbor knew what was going on from the start and had generously offered to babysit when she got home from work, I felt like I needed to call in the troops for reinforcement (the troops being my parents). They threw some overnight stuff together and hurried over. All while I ran around throwing a bag together for myself. Once they got here I piled in the car and headed to be with my man.

When I got there he was still in the ER, all hooked up to wires and tubes. He looked ok though, lethargic from the drugs they gave him, but otherwise his normal self. Just being there calmed me.

There really isn't much else exciting to share. We spent a very restless night at the hospital, and the next day they couldn't figure out what was wrong so they sent him home with a no-salt diet and a number for a cardiologist. They did notice an "electrical blockage" for one of his arteries on an EKG, but other than that there was nothing outstanding.

So we're home now. And he's back to not telling me if he's not feeling well.

He's frustrated because they couldn't find what was wrong. He's afraid that it will just be like his shoulder. That it will go on and on with no diagnosis and no answers to the point that he feels people don't believe his pain.

Me? I'm just afraid of loosing him. I knew when I married a man 10 years my senior that it was likely to happen someday, but I'm certainly not ready yet. Although, when is anyone ready for such an event? But I'm REALLY not ready now. I need him. And our girls will need him for at least 20 more years. So although his dad died from a heart attack at 62, that's still 20 years from now. This whole "it's just a little chest pain" scares the living crap outta me. And the fact that he doesn't share how he's feeling scares me even more. I hate it. It pisses me off. It makes me wanna scream at him, except I'm sure that won't make things better in any way.

Hubs: I don't see why you're so worried. If I die you'll instantly become a wealthy woman!

Me: I never wanted to be a wealthy woman. I only wanted you.


Kristina P. said...

Amy, I am so sorry! I know how scary this is. I worry about Adam all the time. He has a blood condition and he's not as on top of it as he should be. AND he's a paramedic!!

monica said...

Oh how scary. Yes, I wish that men would take better care of themselves and talk about their health with us. I am sending helathy wishes and prayers your way to your husband!

J. Gray said...

Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry Amy! My hubby used to be that way too. One time he cut his hand up pretty bad but wouldn't see a doctor. When I finally talked him into going it was so bad they had to do surgery and keep him in the hospital for a week with a huge arm cast on. They said he could have lost his arm in a couple of days and that the infection would have spreaded to his heart in no time! He also played a high school football game on a broken leg and of course it ended up 10 times worse. I have to yell at him to stop trying to be a big shot because he's got a little girl to think about now.

Poor guy, first his shoulder and now this. I hope it gets better. : ( I have some weird chest stuff going on too and I have high cholesterol but every time I've gone to the ER or get freaked out about something I am sent home with a large bill and no answers... ugh.

Hang in there you guys! *hugs*

Annie's Granny said...

Hugs and prayers and good thoughts and vibes for you and your guy. You're too young to have to go through this. I was widowed, pregnant and mother of a 2-year old when I was 21...believe me, I know your fright, I've been there.

Brooke said...

*hugs* i know its frustrating - i've got one of those kinda men too. its so hard to know when to press and when to step back.

my prayers for your family.

Dee said...

I'm glad that he told you and you can get him to the doctors

Christie said...

I can totally understand why you are both so worried. Not something to mess around with. Hope he is able to get in and see a cardiologist soon. ((HUGS))

MommyAmy said...

Granny- I thought about you quite a lot lately due to recent events. I kept reminding myself, at least I know someone who went through this and came out on top.

Brandi- That's crazy! Men... I swear!

Thanks to everyone for your prayers and ongoing support. It really helps to know that there are so many who care. :)

Frugal Tumbleweed Acres said...

Blessings to you and the family. I am terribly sorry that this happened. We will all pray nothing even remotely like this happens again. Women just get scared to pieces, and why shouldn't we, we love them.
Marj M.

Stacy said...

Oh my! I'm so sorry about what's going on with hubby's health. I have the same worries as Harold is 13 years older than me and he has diabetes. I can certainly understand where you are coming from. {{hugs}} and I hope he will start communicating to you.

Wendi said...

Hi, Amy. I'm reading this late, so I hope things are better now.

And I love the last line.

Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting said...

I, too, am reading this late. I hope he's alright. You haven't updated, so that makes me more than a little worried. Is he okay? Are you okay? How are things?

MommyAmy said...

Sorry I haven't updated in so long. I just haven't had the energy. When I do have the time I play Sims 3. Not exactly my best use of time but it's what I do when I'm really stressed.

Hubs is actually headed to an appointment to have an ultrasound of his heart today. Hopefully they will be able to see what's wrong and then know what to do to help him. In the meantime it looks like his workman's comp case for his shoulder is going to be re-opened, so that's a huge relief! Now we can move forward with his doctor's treatment plan and hopefully he can get better.

So that's where we are. I'm doing ok. Mostly just busy with the girls trying to keep my head above water. I hate January, it's always a depressing month for me so I'm very glad it's over! Hopefully the return of the sunshine will help with my mood.

Thank you so much to everyone who has been praying and thinking about us! We really do appreciate your love and support.

Anonymous said...

quite interesting read. I would love to follow you on twitter.

Anonymous said...

That is scary! And I think it is so sweet he tries to make you feel better about it playing it down, but I agree it is no joke.

I hope he will feel a lot better soon!

Kristina P. said...

Amy, I just wanted to check in and see how you and your husband were doing. Hope everything is OK!

Zoe said...

Hey, I just discovered your blog. Take care and remember to have loads of rest!! You need that right now to juggle so many things!

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