Failure

Sorry, I don't mean to be a downer. But sometimes I just feel like a big fat failure and I'm sure you've all felt the same way at some point in your life.

Sometimes I'm really envious of people who have kids one at a time. Sometimes I look at moms carrying their one little baby around and I think to myself, "That would be SO much easier!" Just think of the places I could go, or things I could do if I didn't have 2 little ones to carry, guide, chase, etc. Most of the time I think I'm super dooper lucky, but there are times... like today I guess, when I think golly this is hard!

Today I was going to work on my kid's baby books. Yes, that's right, I barely have them started and the girls are officially 18 months old. I am seriously NOT a scrap booker, in fact there are few things in this world that I hate more than scrapbooking. Why? Because it makes me feel like I'm an idiot. Why is it so freakin' hard to put pictures in a book and write blurbs about them? I don't know why, but it feels downright impossible to me. This one page I was trying so desperately hard to work on today was one titled "Holidays and Seasons". Sounds simple, just slap in some pictures of Christmas and Thanksgiving, maybe Easter, and call it good. WRONG, how could I possibly be so wrong. You see, every holiday DJ and I seem to have our hands completely full and we simply just don't take any pictures. So after going through stacks and stacks of pictures (I litterally have hundreds) I finally realized that I'm a terrible mom who doesn't have pictures of my kids first Christmas. In fact, I really don't have many pictures at all of my girls once they became mobile. Then I got a big lump in my throat, and called my mom.

She said that YES she has pictures of their first Christmas, as well as Easter and Thanksgiving. So I can stop worrying about that. She also reminded me that it wasn't until recently that I have been able to come up for air after taking care of every need that my babies have had over the course of the past 18 months. And is it really THAT important that I finish those baby books? Well, it is to me. I guess I feel like it's important to have them all filled out with pictures and cute things to say. But for whatever reason every time I try to work on it I just feel like I'm totally incapable of getting them done. Like it's this huge mountain of guilt and worry that my kids won't have preserved memories of their babyhood every time I get out all the supplies and crap. And then I only have an hour to work on it, realize I'm a looser, completely incompetant scrapbooking person, before I have to hastily toss it all back in a box so my kids don't wreck it all. It's a horrible battle I do with myself every time I say, "Today's the day!"

Well, today was going to be the day, but now I feel like a failure and a terrible mom to boot.

I really don't understand how people think this is supposed to be fun. Maybe someone can clue me in on that part because I just don't get it.

In other news, we went to a fantastic Christmas party yesterday for a mom's group that I'm a part of. I took my mom along for the ride, because there's no way in hell I'd go to such an event with the girls by myself! I'm not THAT crazy! So we each spent the time taking turns chasing Ziva who ran laps around the room trying to find new ways to get into trouble. The food was good, but afterwards my mom and I decided that we couldn't even remember eating anything because when you eat a meatball, and then chase a kid, and then sit down and eat another meatball, it's almost like the meatballs didn't even exist because your stomach forgets to tell your brain that an exchange of calories has been occured. Anya surprised us all by being very curious about Santa and actually sat in his lap for over 5 minutes! The girls had a great time, but me and mom were exhausted and ready for a nap by the time we got home.

Goodbye My Dear Aunt Charlotte

I just got the call that I've been dreading for a few days now, my Aunt Charlotte has gone home to be with the Lord. She was diagnosed with colon cancer over a year ago, and after going through chemo twice, three days ago they said it wasn't working and that she wouldn't be with us much longer.

On top of cancer, my aunt also had MS and had been confined to a wheel chair for many years. She's had MS for as long as I can remember. And although it was discouraging at times, she never let it get her down. She was always upbeat and smiling, her laugh could make everyone else laugh. And she faced cancer with the same type of enthusiasm. She didn't know if she would beat it, but she told us all the time that she would be ok no matter what. You see, my Aunt Charlotte loved Jesus. She had lived in her weak body for 65 years and had faced all kinds of medical problems, and she knew that if cancer took her to be with Jesus then it would be ok. By all accounts, any time she went in for a chemo treatment she was all smiles and jokes and happiness, and of course the nurses there absolutely loved her. My mom just told her a few weeks ago, "I'll be praying for you Charlotte." And she responded back, "I'll be praying for you too." My mom can barely tell that story without shedding tears... in her weakest moments my Aunt was always thinking about others rather than herself.

I know we're not supposed to have favorites. But my Aunt Charlotte was my favorite Aunt. I remember when I was a know-it-all 12 year old and she asked if she could take piano lessons from me. I was THRILLED to have my very own student, and who better than my most favorite aunt in the world. :) She drove all the way to east Gresham from Sherwood once a month so that I could give her lessons. I specifically remember scolding her for not practicing enough, and having her smile at me (probably trying not to laugh at such a bossy "teacher"!). Eventually it got to be too hard for her to come to our lessons, and I was disappointed mostly because it meant I wouldn't get to see her so much. I loved her dearly.

I remember when she married my Uncle Tim. I don't remember how old I was, probably 10 or something. And I remember thinking that hopefully someday I'd be just as beautiful on my wedding day. By the time she met and married my Uncle Tim she had been married before, had 5 children, divorced, and then married Tim. So I 'know' that she wasn't the picture perfect bride, but I thought she was gorgeous.

When she passed last night her mom (my grandmother who is 92) and her twin sister Sharon were with her. She will be greatly missed by her mom, her 4 brothers, her twin sister, and her 5 kids and numerous grandchildren and great grand children. And I'm sure all her neices and nephews and hundreds (it seems!) of cousins will miss her too. Because she was the kind of person who made everyone feel special, so there will be many who will miss her. I know I will.